When you’re in a relationship, you should be able to freely express how you feel about a situation. Even if it is trivial, or if it is upsetting you, it’s important that you are able to share this concern with your partner and get some reassurance. But toxic partners are unable to handle the fact that they have caused you to be upset and instead of accepting that and fixing it, they will blame you and your “issues.” It isn’t overly-emotional to be upset when they do something dumb like text that girl you have told them makes you feel uncomfortable and it isn’t overly emotional to get angry when they can’t understand why you feel that way, especially when you try to talk to them calmly about it.
Some partners won’t openly say this, instead they will use phrases like, “you shouldn’t be so upset about it” or “it isn’t a big deal”. But it is a big deal and you are allowed to be upset about it. You see, by taking away your feelings, it removes any guilt on their part which allows them to continue being an arse and not consider how their actions will affect you. The main things toxic partners want is to be in control and get away with treating you badly so by saying you shouldn’t feel the way you do, relieves them of feeling guilty for it. But no one can be mad at you for feeling a certain way; no one can take your feelings away from you.
Toxic partners spin webs. They will say one thing during an argument or when trying get out of something and then will go back on it later when you call them out on it. They will claim they never said that, you heard it wrong. You obviously weren’t listening. Again, it’s about control. Unless you record a conversation or argument, it’s their word against yours and they’re adamant you are wrong.You will question yourself, you will wonder if they didn’t say that at all. It’s another way for you to lose your foundation during an argument because you’re so busy trying to work out if they’re right. If they claim they didn’t say it, you have no leg to stand on.
Playing the victim means you will feel sorry for them and suddenly, you don’t want to fight anymore. You will realize you were being unreasonable and apologize for trying to start an argument. Usually when the toxic partner feelings backed into a corner when they know they have done wrong, they will play the sympathy card. They don’t have many friends in town these days so they had to hang out with their ex. They were just being friendly by talking to their co-worker until 3am without telling you because they’re a nice person. Why don’t you want your boyfriend to be a nice person? They are just trying to have interests outside of your relationship because they don’t want to smother you. Why can’t you see that?
Sure, they only cheated on you once. Sure, you only found texts to other girls a couple of times but they’ve been ‘good’ recently. They’ve remained loyal so why when they act shady, do you not believe them? Not feeling able to trust someone after they have constantly broken that trust is only natural. And expecting you to immediately trust them again is unfair. Rebuilding trust takes time. But by them blaming you for having trust issues (which they caused) means it becomes about you and your issues and insecurities rather than the fact they weren’t able to be a decent boyfriend. Suddenly the argument becomes about your lack of trust, your insecurities, your doubts and not what they have done.
They may have been Facebook messaging that girl you said you don’t like, but last year you had a text from your ex you didn’t respond to or you or you told a white lie about something which ultimately wouldn’t have impacted your relationship. But if you’re not perfect either then why are you having a go at them? You have made mistakes too so it doesn’t matter that they lied to you about that night out with the lads or whose number that really was that kept calling late at night. It’s the blame game. Nothing gets solved because they are too preoccupied with scoring points, even if it means making up situations.
Loving guys do not compare you to their exes. Especially negatively. Especially during an argument. Especially over something you are already worried about. If they decide to tell you that you are the most anxious or paranoid or insecure person they have dated, get out of there. If someone loves you, they lift you up and support you. They love you, anxieties and insecurities included.
There is a huge difference between someone choosing to tell you something and you having to pry it out of them. Sure, they eventually told you but it doesn’t count if you had to repeatedly ask them. However, when you get mad they can claim ‘but I told you about it’ and they cannot seem to understand that them not openly telling you in the first place means they wanted to conceal it. Lying is withholding the truth and choosing not to tell you about something until you pretty much beat it out of them is a lie. Sorry.
I don’t know anyone who likes going to sleep on an argument. But if a guy can roll over and go to sleep when you are crying or angry, he does not give a shit about you. It’s another way he gets to control the situation, he gets to let you stew over it for hours and not get any sleep and then he will expect you to carry on as normal the next day when nothing has been resolved. It doesn’t matter how long it takes, if he cares he should want you to be able to sleep and to feel reassured and cared for and have whatever it is talked through. If he can easily fall asleep when you’re hurting, he’s not a good guy or worth a sleepless night.
A loving relationship does not have ultimatums. It doesn’t matter how heated an argument gets, he should not result to telling you if you don’t change, he will break up with you. It’s his way of making you believe that everything that is wrong about the relationship is your fault and that you are the only one who needs to change your behaviour. Likelihood is, he’s projecting his own downfalls on to you because it’s too hard for him to see flaws within himself. If he gives you an ultimatum, walk away.