All Of My Possible Bumble Bios And Why They’re The Reason I’ll Probably Die Alone



Mikaela Shannon

Bio: “She’s okay.” — Most of my friends (Disclaimer: This is my actual bio on some dating apps. Everything’s fine.)

Analysis: This is my painfully pathetic way at setting the expectation bar as low as possible, whilst still giving the illusion that I’m a funny, entertaining human. I want you to know I hate myself, but like, in a fun way!

Bio: Shorter in person, definitely more interested in your dog.

Analysis: This just honest. I am ridiculously short, and I would much rather hang out with a dog than a person on any night.

Bio: Writer, producer, editor, always cold.

Analysis: Again, this is very honest. But the problem about this is that by opening myself up to details, I’m opening myself up to questions. And unfortunately they’re never questions about the “always cold” part, which is what I would rather discuss.

Bio: Definitely here for the wrong reasons.

Analysis: True story: I have only watched exactly one season of The Bachelor and I thought it was boring.

Bio: The only superlative I ever won in school was “Most Likely To Be Tardy.”

Analysis: Not true. I won “Most Likely To Be Famous” and that journey is not going well.

Bio: Don’t Google me.

Analysis: If you Google me you’re going to have so, so, so many questions and as I said above, they’re probably not going to be questions that I’m even remotely interested in answering.

Bio: Beer, complaining, food trucks is my versions of live, laugh, love.

Analysis: Which sounds like an ideal date, right? But then you come to realize that I am someone who actively says they love complaining. And then I start to sound like I’m trying too hard to be a “cool girl.” And then it all morphs into me trying to be the chill girl which inevitably blows up because you can only sweep crazy under the rug for so long. But I do like food trucks. Big fan.

Bio: I’m honestly just here hoping to find a plus one for a wedding.

Analysis: But who wants to go to a wedding with someone who actively admits that complaining is one of their most favorite hobbies?

Bio: Only here trying to get over this one guy who never texted me back lololololooololl

Analysis: That’s probably a little too real, isn’t it.

Bio: So like, I need a Halloween date but I already have what would be our costumes worked out, so you have to be chill with me dressing you. Is that cool? Can you say it’s cool without making an “Only if you undress me later” joke?

Analysis: I’m actually serious about this. Need someone to be Bojack Horseman for a gr8 couples costume. Who’s in?

Bio: Bad at eye contact, good at snark.

Analysis: Once someone cited my terrible eye contact as the reason he wanted us to stop seeing each other. I didn’t think it was that bad, but I guess I’m bad at looking people in the eyes. I’ll bring it up with my therapist one of these days.

Bio: I’m funnier than you.

Analysis: And far more humble, too.

Bio: I almost included a photo of me holding a fish too, but then I remembered that I have a personality.

Analysis: SEE VERY GOOD AT SNARK.

Bio: I’m so sorry.

Analysis: (I’m definitely not as sorry as I should be.) TC mark



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