I only wanted you when I was lonely. When being single felt like the worst punishment in the world. When I was terrified of having no one. When I needed someone — anyone — to help me through my dark days. Someone to text during my meltdowns. Someone to cuddle during my nightmares. Someone to distract me from myself.
I only wanted you when I was in a bad place in my life. When I would have taken anyone. When I wanted someone in my heart so badly that I settled for the first person who treated me with the slightest bit of affection. The first person who remembered my name. The first person who made me feel like maybe I did matter after all.
I only wanted you when I felt completely empty inside. When I was under the impression that dating would solve all of my problems. When I thought that someone else could save me — or could at least bring me enough peace of mind to save myself.
I only wanted you when I was desperate for an escape. When I wanted to run away, when I wanted to leave my house, when I wanted to be anywhere except my empty bedroom. When the last thing I wanted was to be left alone with my own thoughts because I was worried they would put me in a body bag.
I only wanted you when I was trying to forget. Forget about my past. Forget about my baggage. Forget about my stress. Forget about the person that I wished I was with instead of you.
I only wanted you because you wanted me. I never thought someone would want to date me, so when I found out that you were interested, I latched onto you. I didn’t think about whether or not I actually liked you back. I decided to jump straight into the relationship. I decided that I might as well give it a shot because it was rare for someone to ask me on an official date. It was rare for someone to chase after me for a change.
I only wanted you because I didn’t think things through the way I should have. I didn’t think about how badly I would hurt you when I left. I didn’t think about how wrong it was to accept your love — not because I had feelings for you too — but because you were there. Because you were the first person to come along and give me attention.
I only wanted you because I met you at a time when I was struggling to find happiness and I thought that you would be able to help me. I thought a real relationship would solve all of my problems. I thought you would be the answer I was looking for, not another one of my mistakes. Not another thing for me to feel guilty about.
I only wanted you because you showed me kindness during a time when I needed it the most — and that made me attach myself to you for all the wrong reasons.