I’ve only seen this movie once and don’t know any names. They all just make me angry.
All I Want For Christmas Is You Girl: Best character in the movie. AMAZING single braid and sparkling crop top — EXACTLY the look I aspired to embody when I was 10. The movie should’ve just been about her because everyone else was insufferable.
Liam Neeson’s Son Who Is In A Lot Of Movies But I Can Never Remember His Name: Perfect. Totally agree with his crush choice (see above) and loved the drama of him locking himself in his room to learn the drums.
Emma Thompson: Amazing. I wish this movie was about her and All I Want For Christmas Is You Girl destroying the patriarchy or something. I can’t believe she shared the screen with some of these characters — that fact alone makes me more emotional than the movie did.
Liam Neeson: Did a lot for his Son Who Is In A Lot Of Movies But I Can Never Remember His Name, which I guess is nice. I am always angered by characters who are architects for some reason, but Liam Neeson redeemed himself by wearing the best turtleneck in the whole movie.
Martin Freeman: I forgot he was in this movie every time he wasn’t physically on screen and then would get confused when he came back.
Keira Knightley’s Oblivious Husband: Slightly irritated by him wearing a magenta tie with a magenta button down on his wedding day. Come on. Really irritated he couldn’t see his idiot friend was in love with Keira Knightley.
Hot Office Guy: So boring. His glasses didn’t match how hot he is and it was distracting to me. I feel like he would be the type of guy to get offended if an article didn’t specifically state it was satire before he read it.
Colin Firth’s Cheating Wife: Whatever. I thought her biggest offense was wearing a turtleneck with no pants.
British Guy Who Goes To America And Makes Out With January Jones, Who I Did Not Realize Would Be In This Movie: Fine. Whatever. He knew the accent would be a hit and he went for it. Fine. His eyes freaked me out.
Colin Firth’s Super Young Love Interest: Ok, how old is she? Is that addressed? She seems so nice and practical that I am bummed she got stuck in this movie. WHERE ARE THEY GOING TO LIVE? IS SHE MOVING TO ENGLAND? IS HE MOVING TO PORTUGAL? NEVER DISCUSSED. Her family seems fucking awesome though, I would watch a movie about only them.
Cool Singer, Played By The Guy Who Played Rufus Scrimgeour In The Last Harry Potter Movie: I can’t explain it, but he really stressed me out. I was anxious for his career.
Sexy Receptionist: I have zero qualms about her trying to win over Alan Rickman, and she wears a great black turtleneck (pictured above). However, her wearing devil horns to the Christmas party is The Worst. I hated that.
Pretty Secretary To Hugh Grant: How did she get this job? How old is she? Uh, also, if the Prime Minister came by to hang out with me, I would not be so bold as to invite him to my younger brother’s Christmas Pageant. Think of the security issues that come up with a spontaneous decision like that. I feel like if she existed in modern day, she’d be the type of Quirky Twitter Girl to brag about loving chicken nuggets.
Keira Knightley: oH MY GoD WHAT is she thinking? First of all, Sad Love Boy RUINED her wedding video!!! I WOULD BE PISSED!!!!! SHE BARELY REACTS!!!! AND THE HAT SHE IS WEARING IN THAT SCENE? I think she wore it to deliberately set me off. And then she chases after Sad Love Boy and gives him a kiss after he does the card thing? What? I would slam the door in his face after he ignored me for not loving him back because he creepily zoomed in on my face THROUGHOUT MY ONE WEDDING VIDEO, holy shit, I can barely write this because I’m seething with frustration.
Hugh Grant: Hugh Grant plays himself in every movie he’s even been in. Did they even bother to give this character a name? It’s just Hugh Grant. I almost set my laptop on fire the second he made eye contact with the Pretty Secretary because I was so furious that I was inevitably about to watch him MUMBLING his way through another on-screen relationship with a woman way hotter/younger than him. And his speech about airports in the beginning????? GAH.
Sad Office Girl: OH MY GOD. She drove me nuts. I can barely articulate how angry she made me feel every time she was moping on screen. I just want to grab her shoulders and shake her.
Alan Rickman: UGHHAS;DLFKJ He is SO BAD at trying to have an affair. His storyline was painful. I HATED that he was all “when are you going to make the first move” to that Office Sad Girl about Hot Office Guy. How inappropriate is that?! You’re their boss? Stop trying to make office crushes real, it’s an HR nightmare. And then he buys a present for Sexy Receptionist (did they actually do anything other than flirt?) while his wife (EMMA THOMPSON OF ALL PEOPLE, WHO IS A GIFT HERSELF!!!) was in the bathroom? Oh my god, I have never cheated on my non-existent husband, but I’m pretty you do that shit ON YOUR OWN TIME. I hated the necklace too, it just made me angrier.
Colin Firth: WHITE HOT ANGER FLOWS THROUGH MY VEINS AS I WATCH COLIN FIRTH IN THIS MOVIE. WHAT THE FUCK. I am beyond LIVID that he just decides to propose to his Super Young Love Interest — THEY DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT EACH OTHER!!!!! THEY DO NOT SPEAK THE SAME LANGUAGE!!!! YOU WATCH A WOMAN JUMP INTO A LAKE AND THEN YOU’RE LIKE, YUP, THIS IS IT? He just got cheated on, this whole marriage is a very EXPENSIVE REBOUND. AGAIN: IS HE GOING TO MOVE TO PORTUGAL? WHY IS HE USING A TYPEWRITER IN THE FIRST PLACE? HE WEARS THE WORST TURTLENECK IN THE WHOLE MOVIE. Oh my god, I don’t care that he tried to learn Portuguese, he and Super Young Love Interest are the worst couple in the entire movie.
THAT GUY (Sad Love Boy): You know the one. The one with the cards. I never want to see his face ever again. My resentment towards him is a quiet, brooding one. He DESTROYED his best friend’s wedding video, spends what feels like 90% of the film wearing that weird vomit-colored sweater THAT HE ANGRILY ZIPS INTO A TURTLENECK (pictured above), ignores Kiera Knightley, and then STALKS Kiera Knightley to her house and confesses his love for her via giant flashcards. His “best friend” is just upstairs! You utter goon. His stupid little smirk after she (stupidly) kisses him. Livid. I AM LIVID. Sad Love Boy completely drained me emotionally and singlehandedly ruins the whole holiday season every year because he appears EVERYWHERE