Katy Perry is having a year, and not in the way we (or she) probably hoped for. From a less-than-favorable album promotion to an even more scoffed at album release, girl needs some support. And that’s exactly why I’ll be attending her un-sellout-able Witness World Tour.
Just like you can’t ditch your friends once they decide to get bangs or go through a vegan phase, you can’t leave your favorite pop stars when they’re also struggling. I was there for Lady Gaga during ARTPOP (which, in hindsight, is full of bops and YOU KNOW IT), and I will be Katy Perry’s Witness. Not without a plan, though.
Because hey, some of her new stuff isn’t THAT bad. And some of it is really, really bad. So I decided to prepare myself (and anyone else going — no really, is anyone else going?), with the perfect strategy on how to survive her new songs with the help of a glass (or bottle) of something strong.
She takes an Instagram story while on stage.
She uses a word that was popular over two years ago (ex: swag, sick, dope, totes).
During “Swish Swish”, she actually tries to play basketball.
You cry during “Unconditionally”. YOU WILL.
There’s more shark costumes.
She recreates a viral meme on stage.
Nicki Minaj comes on stage.
She mentions how much hate her album has been getting.
Taylor Swift comes on stage. I mean.
Also, since I’m super nice, here is how drunk you need to be to handle each new song. Because come on, everything else in her repertoire is amazing.
“Chained to the Rhythm”
First song released off her album (for good reason), it’s a pretty great jam. So, you can roll up to the venue with whatever buzz you have from your pre-game. (Editor’s note: Noah Cyrus is opening for her, so if you make it through that, you probably have already had a drink or two.)
Drink Count: 0
A sweet song, you probably will start swaying to it a bit and may even think, “Hey! This concert might not actually be that bad!” And because of that, finish your drink and brace yourself.
Drink Count: 1
When the gospel choir comes out in a Katy Perry song, that’s when you know you need some alcohol. Like, what is going around like a pendulum, exactly? Life or the guy carrying the cooler of beers on his head, because we defintiely need him to come back around.
Drink Count: 2
Hopefully by now, your buzz has set in. Because you know what time it is. You have to embrace where you are, because it’s much easier to drunkenly dance to nonsense than it is to run away at this point. While I personally think this song is a hysterical jam, I know many are overwhelmed by its existence. But since you can’t change the past, just go to the bar and take a $27 shot of your liquor of choice. Trust me, it’s worth it.
Drink Count: 3? 75?
“Mind Maze”, “Deja Vu”, “Bigger Than Me”, “Tusnami”
Why do these songs exist? Go to the bathroom, look at your sloppy self in the mirror, panic while refreshing your CNN app, and get another drink.
Drink Count: Why Am I Doing This To Myself? (4)
At this point, you’re drunk. Lucky for you, these are kinda fun dance songs you can just block out the lyrics while you try your best to Snapchat, poorly shake your body, and not spill your beer. Oops, you spilled. Even if you didn’t, get another drink… because it’s getting real now.
Drink Count: 5
“Into Me You See”
She rhymes intimacy with ‘open sesame.’ Do I really have to tell you what to do?
Drink Count: KATY, WE’RE BEGGING YOU, JUST SING ROAR.
“Save As Draft”
Now that you’re on your umpteenth drink, you’ll definitely cry to this semi-sincere ballad about saving texts to exes as drafts. Well, I guess e-mails? You know what they say — E-Mail My Heart, Outlook my Over Shares.
Drink Count: WHO CRIED INTO MY NACHOS OH WAIT ME
“Hey Hey Hey”
You thought that was bad? Now, she literally compares herself to “Marilyn Monroe in a monster truck.”
Drink Count: I SWEAR I HAD MY PHONE WHERE DID IT GO — oh it’s on the floor.
HOW DID THIS SONG GET MADE? But it’s okay, you definitely got kicked out of the stadium by now for being too drunk in public before hearing it. Congrats! Katy, look what you made us do.
Drink Count: The limit does not exist.