It’s not that you’re too heavy, or too thin. It’s not because you’re too slutty, or too much of a prude. It has nothing to do with the size of your breasts or your thighs or your stomach.
It’s not that you’re too successful, or not successful enough. You could spend your entire life asking yourself what you did wrong, or what it was about you that wasn’t good enough for him, what it was that other women had that you were missing.
You’ll never find the answer. Because there’s nothing wrong with you. It’s not that you aren’t pretty enough or smart enough or confident enough. It’s not your finances or your job or your friends.
You are just as you are supposed to be. You are perfect even amongst all of your imperfections. As long as you maintain a thirst for life, a desire to work hard and live truthfully, and the willpower to grow and to improve yourself and to try harder every day, you are just as you should be.
You will never be enough for him because even the most perfect, flawless woman in the world – who does not exist – would never be enough for him.
It’s him. He’s part of a certain breed. A breed that does not want to accept you for who you are, because they’re afraid of stopping the chase. They’re afraid of settling down and trying to find the true kind of love, the kind in which your love for someone is so deep that you learn to accept them and to love them just as they are. The kind of love that is so deep that their beauty seems to radiate outwards from within.
This type of breed is afraid of stopping and trying to find that love. It’s not necessarily the love that they’re afraid of. It’s the stopping. They’re afraid of stopping and discovering that they will potentially never find that kind of love. They’ve rejected you because they’re afraid of facing rejection themselves.
This type of breed does not apply to all men, just a small number. And it’s just not with men that these fears of intimacy and rejection exist. There are women like this too. There are people all over the world like this – people who continue to find issues in whomever they date, people who cannot accept anyone who’s less than perfect. Because they know, subconsciously, that they will never find this person. The high standards, the no one is good enough mindset will keep them safe. It will keep them alone.
This is not meant to be an excuse, this is not to say that you are faultless, this is not to say that you have no responsibility in your relationships. You have to try, you have to compromise, you have to be vulnerable, you have to put the other person in front of yourself. You have to work, you have to be selfless sometimes, you have to acknowledge that you have flaws, that you have made and will continue to make mistakes.
But sometimes, regardless of how hard you try, you find yourself desperately in love with someone who cannot love you back. Someone who refuses to accept you, because it’s easier to make you think something’s wrong with you than it is for them to be vulnerable and human and open to the idea of being hurt.
You cannot change them. You cannot fix them. You cannot fix you. Because you cannot apologize for who you are. You should not question what is wrong with you or what you’re missing or what you need to change.
Someone who truly loves you, someone who is truly right for you, will not force you to turn inside yourself and search for what it is about you that is wrong, what it is that needs to be changed. A person who truly loves you will bring you outside of yourself. They will bring you out into the world. They will make you want more for yourself – more happiness, more knowledge, more adventure, more experiences. The list is endless. They will excite you and support you and inspire you to be better, instead of causing you to become trapped inside your own head, wondering how you can change yourself to make them happy.
When you’ve found real love, you’ll know it. Because you’ll always be enough, regardless of your flaws and your insecurities and your vulnerabilities. You will be enough for them anyways, and they will be enough for you.
Read more heart trembling writing in Seeds Planted in Concrete by Bianca Sparacino here.